WHEN YOUR SPOUSE WANTS A DIVORCE AND YOU DON'T

Every marriage has its ups and downs and most couples usually pass through both without much damage. But when faced with a partner who announces that the marriage is over, things can seem completely hopeless. However there may still be something you can do to save your marriage. Read on to find what to do when your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t.

Assess your own true position

You may or may not have seen it coming, but chances are that your spouse’s announcement on wanting a divorce sent you reeling with shock. Since your spouse has already made it clear that the marriage has to end, you now have to ask yourself what you really want and why. If you don’t want a divorce, consider if, the reasons for this are strong enough to make you put in time and effort to save the marriage. Despite what your spouse thinks, you may be reasonably happy with your marriage or even if you know things are far from perfect, you still love your spouse and want to make the marriage work. You may even appreciate the practical advantages of your current living arrangements and believe that you cannot afford to pay huge amounts in alimony or child support. Whatever your reasons for not wanting a divorce, decide if they are valid enough to make you fight for your marriage. Justifications like 'a divorce will be bad for the kids' are unlikely to mean much if they are being exposed to daily fights between you and your spouse anyway.

Accept there is a problem

Even as you decide that you don’t want a divorce and are willing to try and save your marriage, you need to understand and accept that a breach has occurred. So when your spouse announces, “I want a divorce”, you can say, “I understand” or at least “I see”. This implies that you perceive and accept the reality that your marriage is in a bad predicament. On the other hand, if you respond to her announcement with anger, denial, defensiveness and lengthy explanations about why your spouse is wrong and you are right, then you will be losing the endeavor, even before it has begun. Realize that if your spouse has already come to a decision, then your spouse has given a lot of thought to all the possible arguments and counter-arguments that you may come up with. On the contrary, if you stay calm and admit that you accept the position even if you may not agree with her reasons for a divorce, your spouse will lose his/her need to take an aggressive and combative stance and this will give you greater room to save your marriage.

Consider the reasons

If your spouse feels that the marriage needs to be dissolved, there must be a reason why your spouse does so. You may or may not already know what it is, but still find some time to sit down by yourself and jot down your thoughts on your spouse’s demand for a divorce. May be your spouse is having an affair or feeling unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason. Or maybe your spouse is tired of putting up with some negative aspect in your behavior. Very often, the reasons are not simple and are fallouts of years of dissatisfaction and selfishness on both sides. But there must have been a breaking point, so to speak, which told your spouse ‘this far and no more’. So, if you truly want to save your marriage, you need to be honest with yourself on what made your spouse arrive at such a decision. Only when you are able to zero in on the actual reasons behind the proposed divorce, can you do something to stop it.

Decide what you can change

If you want to keep your spouse from going ahead with the divorce, see what changes in your behavior can make her rethink her decision. For this you will need to go back to the reasons behind the proposed divorce and change accordingly. If your spouse complained about your negativity and habit of criticizing her, see what you can do to be more positive and generous. Or if your spouse wants to leave because you cannot seem to settle into a job, consider how you can prove to her that you are willing to be more responsible. It might be difficult if your spouse wants to leave because your spouse is having an affair, but even here, you can agree to give her whatever he/she felt was lacking in the marriage, like emotional support, understanding and more appreciation. However stay away from whining, complaining or giving evidence of your neediness. Instead of pressurizing your spouse or defending yourself with arguments, prove your willingness to improve your marriage by actual noticeable changes in your behavior. On the whole, be calm, positive and pleasant; these may not immediately make her reverse her decision but will convince her that things can change and need not proceed to the point of no return.

Seek matured help

Despite your best efforts, there is only so much you can do to assure your spouse that a divorce need not be the final answer to your problems and a positive difference can be brought about. In case your spouse continues to be adamant about a divorce or if it’s unfaithful, abusive or anything that puts your life and marriage at grave risk, suggest seeking marital advice, where the adviser can help immensely in uncovering the source of conflict and suggesting practical, impartial and effective ways of resolving marital differences. But more than that, the adviser can also let you know when the pros of a divorce outweigh the cons and it may make more sense to part ways. Even if your spouse does not agree to go with you, start going to this adviser by yourself. Over time your spouse may agree to accompany you and even if your spouse doesn’t, there is no doubt that the sessions will benefit you anyway.

Now

As much as possible, there is more to lose in divorce than to stay married. Therefore, when the threats of divorce targets your marriage, the thoughts should be, “how do I prevent it” rather than “being anxious to get out”. If you think getting a divorce is better, think about the stress of single life!

A word to the wise, is……………..