How to Prevent Divorce and Save your Marriage

 Along with bereavement and moving house, divorce is among the top three personal experiences which cause the greatest stress and loneliness. A divorce is not only the sundering of two partners in marriage but entails the breaking apart of a family, division of assets, pain and tears all around. Thus if you are staring at the prospect of a divorce, ask yourself if you have all you can to save your marriage.

Face the facts

The very first step to preventing divorce is to acknowledge that there is a problem. Paradoxical though it may seem, admitting that there are issues that need to be sorted out as early as possible can in fact save a marriage. Very often either partner believes that as long as the conflict is not out in the open, the marriage can hobble on somehow. It is this fear of rocking the boat that prevents a couple from taking early corrective measures until it is too late and all is lost. So take your courage in both hands and broach the matter with your spouse.

Communicate with each other

The most difficult step in this endeavor is perhaps the discussion on what is troubling the marriage and explore the reasons which may have led to the present situation. However even as both of you discuss your relationship, agree to follow certain rules. Take turns to speak and do not interrupt when it is your partner’s chance to express his or her thoughts. Stick to finding out the primary source of the present conflict and do not drag up incidents from the past or bring in comparisons with other couples. There is nothing so frustrating as being bogged down by the in-essentials while the most important matter at hand remains unresolved.

Give your side of the matter

While trying to find a path out of your marital conflict, it is important to verbalize your thoughts and express clearly what has upset you and why. If you keep your feelings bottled up inside, it will only aggravate your perception of not being understood until it may all burst forth with violence. Moreover it is unfair to expect another person to read your mind and understand what you may be feeling inside. When things are out in the open, it may surprise you to find out how much you both did not know about the feelings and the perceptions of the other.

Maintain an objective stance

No matter how genuine your grievances against your partner, be careful to maintain objectivity during discussions. Avoid getting caught up in the endless cycle of accusations and counter-accusations. A good way to do this is to refrain from statements starting with “you”, for instance “you do not appreciate my work” or “you spend too much time at the bar”. Instead try to say, “I would feel much more valued in my marriage if my work is appreciated” or “It would mean so much to me if we could spend more time with each other”. Charging the other person with bringing about the crisis in your marriage will only make your partner defensive and would not lead the discussion anywhere.

Look for solutions

Once you have identified the source of conflict in your marriage, see how you can get things on track again. This is however easier said than done but not impossible to work out. Keep in mind that a resolution will entail some amount of responsibility for both the spouses. Discuss what each of you can do to improve the relationship which will in turn entail bringing some amount of change within oneself. Each will have to give a little in terms of time and effort. Either partner will need to make some changes in his or her priorities and principles if the marriage is to be saved. Here, more than anywhere, mutual co-operation is vital if you wish to avoid the ordeal of a divorce.

Take the help of people whom you both trust

In the initial stages of a troubled marriage, both spouses tend to keep the problem within the family thinking somehow it will resolve itself or embarrassed at what others might think about their failing relationship. However, if matters come to a head, it is much better to seek the advice of close family members or friends on ways of resolving the conflict. But at the same time they must be people whom you both trust to have an impartial view and are not prejudiced against one side or another.

Keep expectations realistic

As you and your spouse work towards coming to an understanding, it is important to ground your expectations in realism. Even as your spouse seems to be more understanding of your priorities now, keep in mind that overnight he/she will not warm up to sharing your favorite past-time, something he/she had earlier considered a chore. Do not expect your spouse to jump on the chance of a shopping spree with you when all he wants to do is to go fishing. If your partner was obsessed with cleanliness when both of you met, do not expect immediate changes. Tempers may still flare while you are dealing with differing inclinations but now you should have a better idea of how to resolve such issues and how to put your marriage ahead of other concerns.

Talk to a Matured Person

In the end, if despite your best efforts, you seem to be no nearer to a solution, seek external help. Speaking to a matured married person can work wonders for troubled marriages and no couple should fix an appointment with divorce lawyers without first meeting with a matured married person. This is because a matured married person can identify accurately and objectively the source of conflict. Moreover, unlike family and friends who may be closer to either partner, a matured person will take an impartial view while trying to resolve the conflict. But best of all, he will also come up with practical strategies to help your marriage survive the crisis and prevent a divorce.

Know this

 “….They say unto him, why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? ⁸He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so” (Matt. 19:7-8). Amen.